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The Premier League Crisis Rankings heading into Gameweek 13

A new semi-regular feature in which we assess the level of crisis enveloping each Premier League club with our 100% scientific crisis rankings.

Get the hell out of the way, international break. We’ve got our Premier League back! Now, who is bricking it the most with the return of club football?

20. Liverpool

You can’t kill me, I’m a bad bitch.

19. Chelsea

Yeah, things have only gotten even better since you last spoke to us. Best form in the league and we’re on the way to steal yo’ girl. Now where’s Frank’s knighthood?

Podcast: Poch out, Jose in!

18. Sheffield United

Hi, my name is Chris Wilder and I’m here to piss all over your season. Have a nice day!

chris wilder gif

17. Newcastle United

Steve Bruce for manager of the year. No, wait. Make that man of the year. One defeat in five games, baby!

16. Leicester City

Best defence in the league. Second most goals scored. Second in the table. And with Brodge on our side, we are totally ready to scupper Liverpool‘s title charge.

15. Wolves

Regressed since last year, blah, blah, tired from the Europa League, blah, blah, blah. We’re seven league games unbeaten, we’ve beaten the champions, and we’ve got the same points we had at the same point last season. So all you doubters can SHUT IT.

Read: The angry Spanish media reaction to the Gareth Bale flag

14. Brighton

Damn, we didn’t just lose to Manchester United. We got hammered. The good news is, there are so many bad teams this year we’re probably going to coast it regardless. Sweet.

13. Bournemouth

One win in five and we’re still in the top half? Booyah!

12. Everton

Two weeks ago we were three points above the dropzone. After last week we’re now three points off Arsenal. Progress!

11. Burnley

We’ve had a pretty poor month of it and we’re still only two points off sixth place. Right, time to Burnley the bloody arse off everyone.

Read: Five players who smashed it during the international break

10. Aston Villa

Okay, maybe we were a bit hasty saying we’re definitely going to stay up, but look, we’ve got John McGinn and you don’t, so we’re pretty satisfied with ourselves.

9. Man United

Hey, do we kinda, sorta, I don’t know… look solid? Might we finally aspire to not terrible? All we need to do is be better than Arsenal, and I like those odds.

8. Crystal Palace

Look, we’ve had a tough run of fixtures lately, but we’re bound to bounce back again very soon. Who have we got next? Liverpool? Okay, scratch that.

7. Watford

We’re not really playing any better after changing managers, but by god it feels great to win a game. Twelfth time lucky.

premier league

6. Norwich City

I mean, we didn’t have high expectations heading into the season anyway, so who’s to say we’re really doing all that badly when you think about it? Man, really wished I hadn’t got my hopes up after Man City.

Read: Henry, the Hand of God and the most infamous handballs of all-time

5. Man City

I’m starting to get this bad feeling that we’re not going to win the title this year. How many times in a row have we won it, by the way?

4. Southampton

So, are we going to get good soon, or nah? Cool, Championship it is.

3. West Ham

Fackin’ hell. One injury and we’ve turned into an absolutely horseshit team. Who knew Lukasz Fabianski is Lev Yashin reincarnated?

2. Arsenal

Somehow, Spurs sacked Mauricio Pochettino before we’ve sacked Unai Emery. There is surely some sort of elemental imbalance in the universe at hand here.

Read: Arsenal are stuck in a time loop and Emery is only making things worse

1. Spurs

We haven’t won a league game in so long, but at least things can’t possibly much worse. Let me just catch up on the latest news real qui— oh, god. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not this. Anything but this!

Read: What does the future hold for Spurs under Mourinho?


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